Three reasons why leaders don’t speak up, even when they know they should
This article was originally written for Forbes.com
At the table next to me, I overheard them bickering throughout their dinner. Truth be told, I was eavesdropping.
He would say something. Then she would follow with a bewildered counterpoint. She would say something. Then he would lob an indifferent quip her way. Somehow there was a rhythm to their back-and-forth banter and a certain gentleness, too. I could tell neither was angry with the other; it was just their way of being. Then, it ended—I suspect as many of their discussions might when one of them has had enough and is ready to change the subject or simply give up. “Fine,” she said. “Yes, that’s quite fine,” he said. Then she rallied one last jab, putting an exclamation point on the conversation: “If it makes you happy to make me unhappy, then, please, be happy!”
A few moments of silence passed. Then, he waved a teasing finger in her direction: “What would make me happy right now is you passing me that salt.”
As a consultant, her “If it makes you happy to make me unhappy…” declaration represents behavior I often observe some leaders choose. Rather than saying what’s really on their mind—and risk the tension or discomfort that might follow—these leaders choose acquiescence as a tactic to influence others. And while there are certainly situations when this approach can be the best strategy to pursue, its use should come with a bright red warning label that clearly indicates: Habit-forming, leader beware!
Once it has been set in motion, acquiescing vs. leading can become a difficult trap to break free from, often casting a dark shadow over an organization’s culture and taking a hefty toll on a leader’s credibility. What’s more, it can leave a leader feeling depleted as a result of continually tamping down their true feelings on important strategic or organizational matters.
So, what draws a leader to acquiesce vs. speak up? In my work with leaders over the past 30 years, I’ve found there are three common reasons a leader will default to acquiescing vs. taking a stand, even if speaking up is healthiest for the company.
Loss or lapse of confidence.
Fear of looking bad or being wrong.
Burnout has taken hold.
1: Loss or lapse of confidence.
“It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.” This quote by former US Ambassador to the United Nations, Adlai Stevenson, sums it up well.
A series of stumbles and stubbed toes in close proximity can shake any leader’s confidence. During these dark moments, discernment is essential.
Take time to step back and ask, “Is this a loss or a lapse?” There’s a big difference between the two.
I recently had a conversation with a client who had just received some very upsetting personal feedback in an annual work climate survey. Like many of us, her first response was to take a defensive posture and wonder who, specifically, gave such critical feedback vs. wonder what productive changes she might make. After a long conversation, she shared what was really going on for her. “This feedback has rocked me to my core.” My heart sank for her. In that moment, she was clearly on the verge of losing a big chunk of her self-confidence and was struggling to imagine herself back on top.
Are you experiencing a loss or a lapse? The perspective drawn from this simple, pointed question can help stop that unmistakable sinking feeling leaders get when they sense they are in a freefall. I asked my client this question. After some thought, she realized how important it was to keep things in proper perspective. Though the feedback she received had certainly shaken her, she realized she had not lost her confidence. Through this experience, she actually found the confidence she needed to turn the situation into a leadership moment.
A lapse in confidence from time to time can be sobering and, at the same time, a tremendous source of personal growth. Conversely, a true loss of confidence can be paralyzing, grinding even the best of leaders to a halt, leaving them to feel adrift in their own organizations.
2: Fear of looking bad or being wrong.
Fear is frequently the sponsor of acquiescence—often the fear of looking bad or being wrong, particularly if we believe a leader should always look good and has the responsibility to be always be right.
Recently a leader shared with me a conversation he had with her team members during a weekly team meeting. The company, which was led by three partners, had been going through several months of complicated change that was causing a great deal of strife organization-wide. During the meeting, someone had the courage to share what was apparently a widely held belief not only among his own team, but throughout his company: “A lot of people are under the impression you don’t actually support the change that’s taking place. They think you’re just going along with it.”
It was true. The leader I was talking with confided that, in fact, she didn’t support the changes, but she wanted to be a supportive business partner. The situation was further complicated by what she described as her lack of understanding of what her partners were trying to accomplish by implementing the change initiative. She feared that if she were to share this with her partners, it would cast a negative light on her. Ultimately, by not sharing what was really on her mind, that’s exactly what happened.
Leadership is messy and imperfect. Looking good and being right is a figment, not the goal. My advice: Be messy and imperfect. Exposing your vulnerabilities vs. going along to get along will only add to your credibility.
3: Burnout has taken hold.
WThere is a thin, bright line that separates feeling tired from feeling burned out at the end of a long day or a crazy week. Recognizing the difference between the two is key for every leader in order to be effective and, as important, maintain a sense of joy and fulfillment in their work.
When a leader is tired or even exhausted, they can still be engaged with their teams. They can still genuinely desire to be part of their organization’s grand vision. But when a leader is burned out, it’s impossible for them to be engaged, try as they might. Engagement is not something a leader can fake. People can see through the illusion in an instant.
Leaders experience burn out when their personal values no longer align with their organization’s values—and the disconnect can no longer be overlooked. One day, it becomes clear they’ve had a hand in creating something that has veered from their founding idea and they begin to wonder whether it’s time for a change.
This lack of congruence manifests in many ways, one of which is to develop a pattern of simply rolling-over, giving in or not taking a stand. Acquiescing becomes an easy way of coping—a means to get from Monday to Friday. The problem with burn out is that it’s not something you can douse with a good night’s sleep or by taking a few days away from the office. These are just band-aids.
At the end of your work week, ask yourself: Am I tired or am I burned out? If you’re truly tired, get some rest. On the other hand, if you’re truly burned out, it may be time to make a change. Certainly, there are times when going along to get along makes sense in the bigger picture. Under the right circumstances, just like the couple in the restaurant, choosing to make someone else happy, even if it makes us unhappy, can be the most productive thing to do, assuming we’re not keeping score and expecting a payback each time we make that choice.
Over time, a pattern of overlooking that “leader beware” warning label will lead to a drifting habit of acquiescence. Once the habit forms, it takes a hefty toll.
